The Families We Lose Book

Families We Lose:
Family Estrangement and Democratized Kinship

In-contract book with NYUPress, expected publication date 2025

Family of origin estrangement, or intentionally going “no contact” with a parent, sibling, grandparent, aunt, uncle, or other extended kin members, has become an issue of intense public concern. Journalists, media personalities, pundits, and social commentators have blamed this so-called “silent estrangement epidemic” on the newest generation on the block, with critics insinuating that adults who do not honor their mother and father, reject obligation to grandparents and aunties, or shrink contact with their siblings and cousins are disrespectful. At the same time, the academic literature on family estrangement, largely situated in the fields of psychology and social work, places the blame for estrangement on circumstantial factors like substance use, abuse or neglect, political conflict, or on interlopers such as a romantic partner or rogue therapist.

Families We Lose: Family Estrangement and the Democratization of Kinship takes a different view. In this book, I take a step back from the estrangement anxiety to argue that going no contact isn’t just done on a whim by selfish people following shallow social media trends, or due only to specific individual circumstances. Instead, I argue that contemporary family estrangement is indicative of a more fundamental culture clash in the very meaning and expectations of family in the US today. Specifically, in Families We Lose, I show that estrangement is sparked by a confrontation between the traditional culture of what I term “compulsory kinship”—which demands the family of origin is unconditionally forever—and a rivaling family culture I term “quality-contingent kinship.” In this latter emergent kinship culture, contact with parents, siblings, and extended kin is dependent on the quality of the tie, with bids for equity, accountability, personal and relationship evolution, mutual respect, and maturity. At stake in the clash between compulsory and quality-contingent kinship is a battle to determine the very meaning of “family” in the US today.